Two things that are true about me: 1. I love music and 2. I tend to doubt most things that people tell me. These two things are generally unrelated but did come tragically to a head one day last year when I decided to get my car washed. As I approached the front of the line, the attendant motioned for me to lower my antenna. I rolled down my window and explained to him that the power feature of the antenna had long since stopped working and that I would prefer to just leave it up if it was all the same to him. He told me that the spray was pretty powerful and that if I chose to leave it up I would be doing so at my own risk. I told him that it was a risk I was willing to take. He raised his shaggy eyebrow at me, I scoffed at him and the conveyor belt carried me away into what turned out to essentially be Hurricane Hugo in a concrete box.
As I exited, popping my ears and drying my hair (yes, all of my windows were closed tightly), I looked in my rear-view mirror. There was no sign of my antenna. I looked in my side-view mirror. Oh, there it was! Damn… As I drove home I decided that radio-use was overrated anyway. It’s all homogenized crap. And besides, I have this conveniently-located, mid-90s 6-CD changer mounted in my trunk! Radio schmadio!
And this attitude has pretty much held until today, when I got into the car for a 90-minute drive and my CD player started flashing an error message. What? Maybe it’s just this disc. Nope. All of them? With a sleeping child and 88 miles to go, I decided to try my luck with the radio. I was able to get one station. It was called, “Praise 106.5”. Now, I am quite open to faiths of all kinds. And when people ask me, “What kind of music do you like?” I usually say, “Oh, I like a little bit of everything.” Well, it turns out this isn’t true. It turns out, when it comes to music, I am decidedly, unequivocally, 100% pagan. For one thing, I imagine that every Christian singer looks exactly like John Tesh. Even the female ones. Also, all that talk of being “lifted up” and being “taken higher” frankly just brings me down. And sort of makes me wish I was high. And I don’t even do drugs.
So, the moral of this story is a twofer. First of all, when you’re at the car wash, don’t get all crazy and act like you know what’s best for your antenna. You probably don’t. Try to remember this: WWTCWAD? OR: What Would The Car Wash Attendant Do? Depending upon your circumstances you may be able to apply this in other parts of your daily life as well. Secondly, Christian music can and probably will lead to drug use. It should be used sparingly and with adult supervision. But I am not willing to be that adult. No, siree. So, if you have an extra ticket to the Dove Awards next year, don’t ask me. I’m not your girl. Unless you have some really good weed. No, not even then…