I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. I have made them in the past and they simply do not work. How many people buy memberships to their local gym on January 1st, fully intending to go every single day until they can fit back into their wedding dress/”skinny jeans”/car? Every gym in America has tumbleweeds rolling through it well before Valentine’s Day. Why? Because there is no magic that takes place on January 1st that enables us to do what we could not do on December 31st. This year, I am not making New Year’s Resolutions. This year, I am making New Year’s Revelations. Here are a few:
1. Weight cannot be lost under duress. Tread lightly on the fat. Do not take the fat’s name in vain. Try it and you will find that the fat will gather a posse and head straight for your hips. And it will be holding a package of King’s Hawaiian Rolls in one hand and a stick of butter in the other. I really would like to be svelte but I know that this is a project that I will not be starting on today. There is a lot of Christmas candy on clearance right now and I love a bargain. Maybe next week.
2. I have misspelled (or is it misspelt?) the word “Tonsillectomy” on every single medical history form that I have ever filled out. 2010 will be the year that I stop trying. “I had my tonsils out” will simply have to do. (And don’t ask me if I had my Adenoids out. You’re talking to the wrong person. A. I don’t know what the eff Adenoids are. B. I was so drugged up that I asked the nurse if I could take my tonsils home in a jar. For all I know I had a Prefrontal Lobotomy.)
3. I have come to the conclusion that many of my previous “resolutions” have really been more like “retributions.” ie: Who has done me wrong this year and how do I intend to make them pay? The fact of the matter is, most jerks seem pretty happy in their jerkish roles and don’t intend to change. Except for the Sociopaths. They’re elated in their jerkish roles and are unable to change. Either way, avoiding the whole motley crew of them is the best bet. That said, I see nothing wrong with secretly hoping that the day will come when they choose the wrong puppy to kick and end up being bitten in the ass.
4. While you’re at it you may as well also steer clear of Mötley Crüe. Between the Hepatitis, the constant feuding and the tighty whities, no good could possibly come from any sort of interaction with them.
5. My eyebrows have reached a stage where I am no longer able to care for them myself. I’d really like to see less “Bert” and more “Ernie” when I look in the mirror. (Minus the horizontal stripes. See #1.) Help must be employed. Ideally, said help will hail from an Eastern Bloc country. Those ladies know their stuff.
6. I could not love my friends or family more than I currently love them. And I tell them each and every time I talk to them. I give myself an A+ on this. The only problem is that I say, “I love you” so often that I sometimes wind up accidentally telling other people that I love them. The truth is, I actually don’t love the Comcast guy/the medical scheduler/the wrong number caller. I mean, they’re alright but I don’t love them. There. I said it.
So, there are a few of my Revelations. I suggest that you make a list of your own. After you get home from the gym. And finish off that carton of Rocky Road.
Happy New Year!
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Laugh if you will but my daughter and I have matching bathrobes. The fabric is soft, fluffy, and as cozy as can be on chilly mornings. It also hugs every single bump, lump and curve of our respective bodies. Somehow or another this looks quite a bit more charming and adorable on her than it does on me…
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Posted in Karma Police, tagged Acceptance, Body Image, Glamour, Health, Lizzi Miller, Lizzie Miller, Models, Self Acceptance, Self Esteem, Stomachs, Weight on August 23, 2009|
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A lot has been made of this photo since it appeared in the September issue of Glamour. Women all over the country have embraced the image. They see themselves and their postpartum (or not) belly in it and from the sampling of letters that Glamour is sharing, they like what they see. The woman in the photo is Lizzie Miller, a 20-year old, childless model from San Jose. Here’s what Lizzie had to say about body image:
“When I was young I really struggled with my body and how it looked because I didn’t understand why my friends were so effortlessly skinny. As I got older I realized that everyone’s body is different and not everyone is skinny naturally–me included! I learned to love my body for how it is, every curve of it. I used to be so self-conscious in a bikini because my stomach wasn’t perfectly defined. But everyone has different body shapes! And it’s not all about the physical! If you walk on the beach in your bikini with confidence and you feel sexy, people will see you that way too.”
I hope this is true for Lizzie. I hope this is true for all of the women- young and old, with or without kids- who rejoiced in seeing this photo. I rejoiced as well! But there was a tiny piece of me that felt something else. As I read Lizzie’s words (and those of the revelers) a thought kept creeping in and raining on my parade: “Something stinks in Suburbia.” How many times have we stood in horror as our size-2 friend has dissected their imperceptible cellulite or the gorgeous woman washing her hands next to us in the public restroom has bemoaned her “ugly” nose/hips/knees/earlobes/feet/fill-in-the-blank? Is any woman really this accepting of what they see when they look in the mirror (Gisele Bundchen notwithstanding)? I won’t claim to speak for every girl on the planet here. To paraphrase what Regis Philbin said so astutely in his best-selling 1996 biography, I’m Only One Man!, “I’m only one woman!” But, sadly, it seems unlikely. And a 20-year old, no less? Oy!
Lizzie is beautiful. Breathtaking! If I had her arms I would risk frostbite and go sleeveless 12 months out of the year. I’m not interested in dissecting the flaws of other women. There are only 24 hours in the day and my schedule is pretty full right now dissecting my own. I think most women in America hold this full-time, unpaid position. And yes, we’re doing a shitty job and should fire ourselves. So it is cause for celebration to see a non-emaciated woman in the pages of a national magazine. Sure, she’s buried on page-194 instead of being featured front-and-center on the cover but Rome wasn’t built in a day, right? Hey, maybe we could all borrow some of Lizzie’s youthful exuberance and hit the beach with our bellies in plain sight. I hear soft lighting can do magical things. Candlelight, moonlight… When’s the next new moon? I’ll meet you there. I’ll be the one with the ponchos, blankets, sarongs and sarapes. Just in case it’s a chilly evening…
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Posted in Hungry Like the Wolf, Karma Police, OMG! and/or WTF?!, tagged Dieting, Diets, Recalls, Weight, Weight loss, Weight Watchers, Weird on August 21, 2009|
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Weight Watchers Recalls Plush Hungry Figures and Magnets Due to Puncture Hazard
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission and Health Canada, in cooperation with the firm named below, today announced a voluntary recall of the following consumer product. Consumers should stop using recalled products immediately unless otherwise instructed.
Name of product: Hungry Figures and Hungry Magnets
Units: About 420,000 in the United States and 25,000 in Canada
Distributor: Weight Watchers Intl., of New York, N.Y.
Manufacturer: Shanghai Oriland Toys Co. Ltd, of China
****Hazard: Sewing needles have been found in the stuffing of the Hungry Figures, posing a puncture hazard to consumers.
Incidents/Injuries: Weight Watchers has received two reports from company employees of a sewing needle being found in two Hungry Figures. No injuries have been reported.
Description: The Hungry Figures and Hungry Magnets have orange plush exteriors. The Hungry Figure is about 6 inches long and the Hungry Magnet is about 4 inches long.
Sold exclusively by: Weight Watchers between April 2009 and July 2009 for between $4 and $7.
Manufactured in: China
Remedy: Consumers should immediately stop using the recalled Hungry Figures and Hungry Magnets and return them to Weight Watchers to receive a full refund or a credit towards the purchase of another product.
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