Is there an Analytical Psychologist in the house? Or an Exorcist? Or even just some kind soul who has a few spare Valium left over from their root canal? I have a problem: When I am out and about, driving or walking or just sitting, I’m essentially just biding my time until I discover a dead body. It’s not that I want to discover a dead body, it’s just that I assume I will. I don’t know if I should blame the fact that I live in Oregon, in a city that is part farmland/part high-tech mecca¹ or the fact that I watched a lot of Murder, She Wrote during my formative years², but something or someone is to blame for this disturbing aberration and I’m not quite willing to accept that I am that something or someone.
So my question is, does everybody keep an eye out for corpses during a casual stroll through the woods? Am I the only one who watches breathlessly while a dog is digging in the sand, fully expecting the dog to drag out a dismembered hand/head/penis?
What’s that you say? That it’s perfectly normal to assume that a dead body is waiting around every bend? That all well-adjusted people do it? Oh, good! I was *thisclose* to seeking professional help!³
¹ In other words, the perfect spot to ditch a dead body.
² Alright fine, I still watch Jessica Fletcher any chance I get. The first seven seasons are on Netflix! Holla!
³ I am in no way implying here that you should hold off on sending the spare Valium.
This is an actual photo I took on Halloween. And I’m not convinced that it’s a prop.
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Posted in OMG! and/or WTF?!, Sweet Child O' Mine, tagged Children, Halloween, Halloween Costumes, Kids, Miley Cyrus, Moms, Mothering, Noah Cyrus, Parenting, Preschool on October 29, 2009|
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My daughter had a little Halloween party at her preschool today and she was so excited about it that she could hardly sleep last night. She got to wear a costume to school and the parents came to the last half hour and joined the kids for a little buffet (My contribution sucked, but that’s neither here nor there. I brought string cheese. Another mom brought string cheese that looked like dismembered fingers. DAMN!). This is the first year that she has had any opinion about her costume and unfortunately the opinion has been changing every few days since early September. I thought we had settled on The Cat in The Hat but this morning she insisted on wearing the Captain Feathersword costume that we bought for her 6-year old boy cousin to potentially wear to the Wiggles concert last summer. It’s too big and it’s sort of boyish but she really, really wanted to wear it and she did look pretty darn cute. When I got to school I saw that the other little girls were dressed in little girl costumes: a princess, a mermaid, and a kitty cat witch. I left feeling a little sad that my kid didn’t want to be something cute and girly. I have no interest in perpetuating the gender stereotypes and forcing her into a box and I can’t stand Barbies and Disney princess obsessions but I can count on one hand how many times I have been able to get her hair into a ponytail. And all of those little plastic, Goody barrettes? The yellow ducks, the red bows, etc… Nope. But she’s her and I love her. A lot.
So as I was pondering this hair tragedy and the bizarre little peanut to whom I gave birth, I came across this photo online:
This is little 9-year old Noah Cyrus, Miley’s sister.
Ahoy there, me hearties. After seeing this, that polyester Captain Feathersword costume looks more beautiful to me than any zillion dollar couture gown in the entire world. Rock on, Junior Feathersword. In 6 years, and in 16 years, you will not be wearing a dress this short. Not under my roof.
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