As I stated last year, I’m not big on New Year’s Resolutions. I think they’re generally committed to under duress, or worse yet, under the influence of eggnog and sugar. And since no judge in the world would be able to hold you accountable for any contracts drafted by the pen of Captain Morgan or Sara Lee, you’re really sort of left in a lurch, with nobody to answer to but your own sorry self.
been a difficult year sucked ass. Between my nutso autoimmune disease and my pregnancy losses, my body has had more attention than I generally like for it to have. And I have found no shortage of people who are chock-full of tips, hints and general advice. There are only so many times that one person can say, “Yes, that might work.” Or, “That’s one idea.” Or, “Sure, give me his card.” Or, “Please step away from me, kind sir.”
So with that being said (and with nothing more than oatmeal and a possibly-lethal amount of coffee in my system), I have decided to make a December 5th Resolution. Starting right this minute, anybody who attempts to offer advice about my body¹ will be met with a loud chirping noise, followed by a flick between the eyes, followed by a kick in the ass.
So hear ye! Hear ye! Whether you are a friend or a foe; a doctor or a salesperson; a pirate, a poet or a pauper, consider yourself warned. The non-existent suggestion box is officially closed for business, locked, chained and cast into the deepest depths of the Pacific Ocean. Got it? Chirp, flick, kick. Or maybe flick, chirp, kick. Or, depending on the obnoxiousness of the advice-giver, kick, kick, flick, flick, kick, chirp. We’ll see. The possibilities are endless. The world is my oyster. And I prefer my oysters served without a side of shitty advice.²
¹ ie: What my body does or doesn’t do; is or isn’t capable of; does or doesn’t look like; should or shouldn’t behave like, etc…
² Okay, I’m actually allergic to shellfish but let’s just pretend I’m not for the sake of bad analogies.