I am directionally challenged, which is to say, I frequently have absolutely no idea where I am or how to get to where I want to be. (Sometimes I also forget where I had originally intended to go once I’ve left the house, but that is another story for another day.) This bothers me on several levels:
1) If a stranger were trying to give me directions and they told me to “head east,” I would be at a loss unless I were literally standing in the Pacific Ocean.
2) I consider myself to be a relatively intelligent person (or at least more intelligent than these people) and not knowing where I’m going makes me feel flighty, air-headed and generally like a jackass. And that’s no good.
3) Were I ever lost in the woods (I live in Oregon so this could happen…) I could, and probably would, perish mere feet from a major roadway after spending the night walking in circles and eating bugs. And that’s a shitty way to go.
I have thought about getting a GPS for my car but I worry that I would end up having a complex and co-dependent relationship with it and winding up both lost and criminally insane. Plus, talking cars are terrifying. I watched a lot of Knight Rider as a child and we all know what became of David Hasselhoff. The last thing I need is for my daughter to videotape me while I’m loafing about, eating an unusually messy cheeseburger. So clearly the GPS is out.¹
So, what are my options? I think I have two: I can either kidnap Bear Grylls and keep him in the trunk of my car for when I get into a real jam² or I can continue down my current path of driving in circles and finding every construction zone and car accident in the general vicinity and sitting in the resulting traffic of both, before eventually finding my way home, tired, dehydrated and unable to say where I was or how my simple trip to the store could have possibly taken 3 hours.
So yes, I am the Moses of the Suburbs. I have, as yet, no followers (nor an ability to inflict and cure leprosy) but the day is young. And watch your back, Mr. Grylls. If I can find you, I just may steal you.
¹ Because I am neither a Boy Scout nor a religious extremist in the woods of Utah, I don’t own a compass so that’s a “no” as well.
² Volvos have really big trunks.