While reading the July issue of Oprah’s magazine yesterday, two things occurred to me:
1) The Photoshopper who made her bunions disappear in the cover shot should win an award of some sort. Alternately: If said bunions actually are gone, her podiatrist should win an award of some sort.
2) Oprah’s monthly What I Know For Sure feature is ridiculously arrogant. Who does she think she is anyway? She may be worth a cool $2.4 billion but that doesn’t make her omniscient. Or is it omnipotent? I can never remember… Either way, I think it takes some pretty big cajones to claim, in writing no less, that you know something, anything, for sure.
Now, in addition to my unnatural interest in Oprah’s bunions, net worth and singing voice, I think it’s fair to say that I’m mildly obsessed with her in general. While I may roll my eyes while I’m watching her show, I have also learned from her magazine that eye-rolling is one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” That is to say, my seemingly innocent eye-rolling could be dooming our relationship to an unstoppable and cataclysmic end. Frankly, I’m not willing to see that happen. I feel that O and I need each other but that she just doesn’t know it yet. In order to show her that I really do care, I’m starting a feature right here on this little blog that will serve as a nod to The Big O. I’m calling it, What I Think May Be True But I’m Really Not That Sure Because I Am But One Woman. It’s called humility. Look it up, Oprah.
Today, this is what I think may be true but I’m really not that sure because I am but one woman: One should never wear anything purchased at Old Navy without underwear. If you, my dear reader, have shopped Old Navy, well then you know what I mean. If you have not, let this serve as a warning. Old Navy clothing can, and often will, spontaneously self-destruct while you are wearing them. Seams will break apart, hems will fall and long-sleeved shirts will choose to become muscle shirts. I do not know why but I feel that it may be an elaborate plot on the part of the United States government to drive discount shoppers underground. I haven’t fully developed this theory but believe me, I will.
By the bye, I’m also looking into whether or not Anthropologie is working in conjunction with The Old Navy Seam-Ripping Collective to eradicate any and all women who have breasts. I’ll keep you updated. You can count on me.
I’m hoping to make this into a weekly feature but I will make you no promises. Why, you ask? Well, because I am but one woman.