On May 26th, I started a chapter of life that I had not previously imagined possible. I found out that things were not right, not okay, with my baby-to-be. I started consulting with Dr. Google. I started seeking out answers as to what might be wrong with my little girl and what I might possibly do about it. I found lots of articles that, with neither a medical degree nor a deep understanding of Latin roots, were all Greek to me. I also found a wealth of support groups. I found groups of women who were pregnant and were choosing to terminate their pregnancies due to medical reasons. I found groups of women who were pregnant and were choosing to terminate their pregnancies due to non-medical reasons. I found groups of women who were pregnant and hoping that their non-thriving babies would live to see 24 weeks, at least. I found groups of women who were pregnant and were choosing to continue their pregnancies despite the fact that their doctors were giving their babies a very slim chance (or no chance at all) of living beyond the womb. I felt compelled to join the last group. I didn’t know what was wrong with Mabel but I knew that I wasn’t at all sure that I could “terminate” her brief life for any reason short of my life being seriously threatened. I settled into that group for as long as I could, and then my baby died and made the point moot. I would’ve kept her in my belly for as many days, weeks, and months that were given to me by whoever the hell is handing out miracles these days. The sore boobs, achy joints, freckled face and constant peeing were heaven on earth to me. I knew that they were short-lived. And then she was gone.
Here’s what is left in her place: The stories of women who lost their babies far too soon (Is there a right time to lose a baby?) and families who are in the process. I am drawn to these stories, to these women. I don’t know why (and believe me, it pisses me me off beyond reason), but every story I come across includes wonderful families, deserving parents (Maybe the shitheads always get to keep their babies or maybe they just don’t blog?), broken hearts and unanswered questions for the dude (or dudette?) upstairs. Beautiful families.
One of these families is the Cook Family. They lost their little girl, Stevie Joy, on May 8th at almost 26 weeks. Kristin Cook writes a beautiful, heartbreaking tribute to Stevie at her blog, which began as a spot to write letters to her baby-to-be. One of the ways that Kristin and Andy remember Stevie is through the beauty (and the life) of trees. After they lost Stevie, they carved her name into the bark of a tree – a love letter. Now, they do the same for other little ones who left too soon. Last night, after a full day of fitful tears and a defeated heart, I opened my email and found Mabel’s carving.
When you have a baby, and that baby is not here on this earth, it’s hard to find opportunities to celebrate them. Last night, I got one. Thank you, Kristin.
Thanks for posting this – it was great to see her blog featured on the news. I am so glad you have found such a community. Before I had my precious Lily I miscarried twins at 13 weeks and found a lot of great help on the WebMD boards, too. Enjoy the weekend! I hope you are doing well.
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about your twins Aleksandra! I will check out the WebMD boards now…
-Mary
A beautiful post, one I can relate to. Have you seen the blog Write their names in the Sand? It’s beyond beautiful… brings me to tear each time I see a new name. http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/
Peace be with you through the start of your journey…
Hi Carla,
Yes, I have seen their work and it is beyond beautiful! I am hoping to get on their list but it’s winter there and the list is closed for now. Thank you, Carla!
-Mary
I loved the carving idea. My sister lost a baby shortly after birth and everytime I have the chance to donate $1 to cystic fibrosis or MS or pediatric cancer, I fill out the ballon or paper they post in the store and put her name on it. I will do it for Mabel next time I have a chance and take a picture for you.
Thank you so much, Laurel! I am so touched by that gesture! Hugs to your sister, too.
-Mary
what a touching tribute to your little girl.
Yes, it’s a special thing that she does and it is much appreciated!
I’m so terribly sorry. Mabel’s carving is lovely. Mrs Mouthy lost her little boy two years ago, and she remembers him often, especially on his birthday. http://mrsmouthy.wordpress.com/2010/04/25/thoughts-on-angelos-second-birthday/
Thank so much, Lizzy. I will check out Mrs. Mouthy’s posts. I know that Mabel’s birthday will be hard for me…
I love the title of your blog. And I love the post.
Mary
Thank you, Mary. And I love your name! 🙂
-Mary
thank you for sharing your story and your sweet mabel with us. i cannot imagine your pain, and i pray that healing and peace will come. i appreciate your honesty and bravery.
Thank you so much, Becca!
I am so sorry for your loss. I stumbled upon your blog tonight and have read every post about Mabel and it touched my heart. My Madelyn is due October 15th and the Dr. also said there is blood in her bowels. Since I found that out a few months ago, every day has been a blessing, and I pray that everything is ok with her. I couldn’t imagine what you have gone through, but know that everything will be ok, and no matter what, everything happens for a reason. Bless you and your family.
Hi Julie. Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry that there are worries about Madelyn. I hope that it is a lot of worry for no reason and that she arrives in October as healthy as can be. Have you found the group in the Babycenter Community that is devoted to carrying pregnancy despite poor prenatal diagnosis? The women there are wonderful and so, so kind and helpful. Sending blessings to you and your family as well. I will keep you all in my thoughts! Mabel’s original due date was October 15th (and then changed to the 14th before the problems were discovered). Please let me know how you and Madelyn are doing!
-Mary
I have never heard of the tree carving, but the one (and only) grief support meeting I ever went to back in 1998 shared a story that basically gave the idea of choosing a special way to remember your child – some choose to plant a tree…..I chose the Monarch butterfly as a symbol to remember my baby by, I’d have to dig out my journals to remember why….sure hope I documented my reasoning now that I think about it…, but I do know it had to do with the specific story shared and there was a butterfly in the story, but that’s it.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.
Theresa