Confession: I have bought a few things from QVC. And when I say “a few” what I really mean is “a lot.” I have purchased makeup, skin treatments, perfume, caramel apples (This was regretted. Where did Mrs. Prindable find these lilliputian apples? Tiny!), jewelry, books for children, and a device that cleans lint out of your dryer. Once, after having a few too many glasses of vino, I (apparently) even bought a crocheted poncho. Thank GOD I never had enough glasses of vino to actually wear said poncho. But I digress… The point is, I love QVC. I’m an insomniac and there is nothing like turning on the TV at 4am and finding somebody in Pennsylvania awake and trying to sell you breathable underwear. Really, nothing.
There’s something for everyone on QVC. You’ve got Dennis Basso trying to convince you that a shiny animal print is just as flattering on a petite 4 as it is on a plus size 24. You’ve got Jeanne from The Quacker Factory trying to convince you that samurai-style headbands can and should be worn with holiday sweaters. You’ve got Joan Rivers (and her ever-growing “cheekbones”) trying to convince you that a watch with 7 different detachable faces and bands will ever be fashionable or elegant. And what to say about George Simonton? When I first saw George I thought that I was seeing a parody of a fashion designer. He seems like a Martin Short character. And yet he’s real! Or at least as real as Joan Rivers’ cheekbones. And that’s good enough for me.
Once, many years ago, I actually heard a prank call occur on-air. Marie Osmond was selling a West Virginia Pioneer doll. A woman called in and said, “If it’s supposed to be from West Virginia, how come it don’t have buckteeth?” Silence. Marie and the host looked like they had been a ghost. After several seconds of dead air, the host snapped back into QVC mode. “Well… Thanks for callin’! Bye bye now!” A few seconds of silence at your kitchen table? Big deal. A few seconds of silence on live TV? Deafening. It was lovely. It was confusing. It was like seeing a shooting star during a new moon.
And that’s why I love QVC. Next week, maybe I’ll share my favorite Golden Girls moments. If you’re extra lucky.