Hey, all you loogie hawkers? Can you please knock it the &$%@ off? I went to the grocery store yesterday afternoon to pick up a few incidentals and while loading my groceries into the car I wound up with sputum on my little toe, which somebody had conveniently left right there in the parking lot. This is one of my biggest pet peeves. And really, that is the understatement of the century. If somebody shat on my little toe would I say, “Hey, would you mind not doing that again? It’s sort of a pet peeve of mine.” No. I would beat them senseless with one hand while my other available hand furiously dialed 411, in search of a surgeon to amputate the toe. And, in my opinion, loogie-hawking is no better.
I am a human. I have lungs and they sometimes produce phlegm. But never, not one single time, has said phlegm created such a nuisance that I felt it necessary to release it into the public domain. Never. And you can make that choice, too. There are tissues, paper towels, kerchiefs, densely forested areas, the Sahara Desert and many other spots that are appropriate for your loogies. Sidewalks, parking lots, public grassy areas, etc… are not amongst them. If you have a condition that prevents this from being possible, seek the help of a doctor, a Neti pot, an exorcist… whatever works for you and your lifestyle. But, take heed. I’ve had enough of you and your loogies.
And don’t get me started on The Loogie-Hawker’s evil cousin, The Snot-Rocket-Blowing Runner. Dude, this is not the Olympics. How much is a Kleenex tucked into your short-shorts really gonna slow you down?