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Posts Tagged ‘Fetal Death’

…Death put on its steel-toed boots and mounted a restless stallion who then jumped on the back of a pissed of rhinoceros who, in turn, hijacked an overheating Mack truck and ran me the hell over.

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On May 26th, I started a chapter of life that I had not previously imagined possible. I found out that things were not right, not okay, with my baby-to-be. I started consulting with Dr. Google. I started seeking out answers to what might be wrong with my little girl and what I might possibly do about it. I found lots of articles that, with neither a medical degree nor a deep understanding of Latin roots, were all Greek to me. I also found a wealth of support groups.

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Last night, out of the clear, blue sky – as if there were such a thing – my daughter said to me, “So… your dad’s invisible, right?” I wasn’t sure how to respond. My dad died three years ago but for much of my life he was, essentially, invisible. But she wasn’t speaking figuratively – She’s 4.

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When you pee on the stick and see the second pink line develop, you begin a reworking of your life story. The movie that is your life is getting a new character and everything from that day forward is going to be different. I got my second line on February 9th and immediately packed up my summer clothes and soon after, all the rest of my non-maternity clothes. I wouldn’t be needing those for awhile.

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When you’re in the midst of something absolutely dreadful, a lot of people will tell you that God will not give you more than you can handle in a day. I used to listen and nod, maybe even believing them on some level. I’ve thought a lot about this theory over the past few years and I’ve come up with the following conclusion: BULLSHIT.

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My baby girl died. She was alive on Tuesday evening but an ultrasound on Wednesday morning showed that she no longer was. The ultrasound showed a tiny little girl with her legs crossed and her head bowed peacefully – and a flat line where the heart rate should have been. The ultrasound technician cried.

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