I have the best mom in the whole, entire world. She raised my siblings and me, on her own (for the most part), while working and going to school. Despite being short on time and money, she made healthy foods a priority in our house. While some kids opened up their lunchboxes and found a Cup O’ Noodle, a Twinkie, and a Capri Sun, I was usually met by a cashew butter sandwich, on spelt bread, and a bag of soy nuts. We had very few processed foods in our house and we dehydrated our own fruits and baked homemade bread. We used wholesome recipes, from the Tassajara Bread Book. I still remember the smell of the dough rising in the kitchen and I cherish those memories of baking with my mom. She did a good job and I love and appreciate all that she did, and still does, for us.
That said, sometimes a girl just wants the proverbial Cup O’ Noodle. Recently, at the age of 36, I made Magic Bars for the first time. I had always thought about making them, but it seemed too…wrong. And who the hell has sweetened condensed milk in their pantry? Until recently, not I. Well, let me tell you: I bought some. And I made them. And, guess what? There is magic in those bars! Sugary, fatty magic! Well, since making those Magic Bars, I have become inspired to make other formally-taboo treats. I even invented one of my own! So, without further ado, I present to you…
Mary’s Pan O’ S’more-Like Stuff
1. Acquire the following, by whatever means necessary¹: Honey Nut Cheerios, butter², sweetened condensed milk, mini marshmallows, and milk chocolate chips.
2. Take 4 or 5 cups of the Cheerios out of the box and crush those little suckers up. (I put them in a Ziploc and smashed them with a rolling pin.) Melt a stick of butter and mix it up with the crushed Cheerios. Pat that shiznit into a glass baking dish (13×9 inches, if you are so inclined), which you have sprayed with something oily or brushed with some butter. Whatever blows your skirt up.
3. Pour a can of sweetened condensed milk on top.
4. Sprinkle a couple of cups of mini marshmallows on top of that.
5. Sprinkle a cup of milk chocolate chips on top of all that.
6. Bake at 325° until the marshmallows are lightly browned. Mine took 30 minutes.³ When it’s done, it may look something like this:
7. Take them out and let them cool. Eat them with a fork or a spoon. If you get a wild hair, you can try to cut them into squares and remove them from the pan. I wouldn’t do that if I were you. But, again, whatever.
Happy 2012 to all, and to all a good night!
¹Ideally, money or services should be traded for the acquisition of these items, but you can figure that shit out yourselves. What am I, Jiminy Cricket?
²None of that unsalted crap. What kind of a shitshow do you think I’m running here?
³Yours may take more time. Or less. For all I know, you have a fancy oven with a convection setting. It doesn’t make you better than me.
NUTRITIONAL DISCLAIMER: I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. If you do, wait to make these until mid-January, when you’ve thrown yours to the wind and are using your brand-spanking-new workout clothes strictly for the purposes of napping comfortably.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I know a truly baffling number of attorneys. If you steal my recipe, and enter it into a contest, and win some kickass trip to Disneyworld or the Bahamas, I will sue you and your children and your family pet. I will also kick your ass.